Rest - The Holy Grail for Special Needs Parents

How to get a break when you can't leave your kids

January. The month we relentlessly add goals onto our already crammed to-do lists and exhausted shoulders.

But if you are anything like me you are spent. The very last thing you need is more to do! More to feel guilty about.

We are weary. Tired out from shepherding your children through Christmas. Through the expectation, waiting, hype and sensory overwhelm.

Weary of the dark, cold days that make playing for hours in the park a distant dream, and make play-dates fraught and noisy indoor affairs.

What we need is rest. But if it's hard to get rest as a parent of young kids, then it's nearly impossible to get rest as a parent of kids with additional needs.

On top of all the normal parenting duties fall the endless medical and educational admin, the appointments, handling of meltdowns, co-regulating of nervous systems, broken sleep and the lack of other adults willing and capable of looking after your complex, gorgeous children.

I’ve always wondered how the familiar invitation of Jesus can apply to us: ‘Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest’.

It sounds lovely, but Jesus can’t babysit our kids and book us a day at the spa!

That got me thinking about the different types of rest.

The one that typically comes to mind is physical rest - sleep, a massage, putting your feet up. But there are things we can rest from that may bring just as much rejuvenation.

Rest from consumption

I often turn to my phone first thing in the morning. By the time I’ve checked my emails, Twitter, Facebook, my KDP dashboard to see if I’ve had any book sales overnight and yes, Substack, my brain is on overdrive. It’s just as bad if I do the same at night. I find it hard to sleep. I overstimulate my mind so much and then wonder why I can’t rest. On bad days it becomes compulsive. I try and remove myself from the stress of family life by scrolling on my phone.

Rest from comparison

As a mum of kids with additional needs any comparison with other families can be painful. It isn’t restricted to social media either. Just visiting a ‘neurotypical’ family can be difficult. I’m suddenly confronted by the fact that other 7 year old go to after school clubs, and can eat family meals. I see that other 3 year olds can get dressed without screaming. And suddenly I feel overwhelmed and sad by how much our kids (and we, their parents) have to to deal with.

Rest from unrealistic expectations

I’ve stopped looking at Pinterest and I’m careful about what I see on Instagram. I would love to have a morning basket of crafts and colouring ready for my daughter. But it’s not going to work.

I’d love to go on family hikes and microadventures but it’s very hard when your child isn’t able to put their clothes on that day and leave the house, and when they won’t walk more than a few metres before their muscles start to hurt.

Similarly, reading about creating a family vision and doing family reading together sounds lovely, but when we are struggling to get everyone’s basic needs met – food, clothes, toileting – it’s just not the priority and I do better when I accept that!

Rest from anxiety

Now this one is hard. There is lots to be anxious about as a parent, and especially as a special needs parent. But it doesn’t help. For the last 3 years I’ve worried about my son not being able to attend school. Every day that he was too anxious to go in I worried that that was it - the start of permanent school refusal. When it finally happened that he could no longer go to school. it was hard, but not as bad as I had thought it would be. Worrying hadn’t helped at all!

Maybe the invitation of Jesus makes sense when instead of practicing consumption, comparison, unrealistic expectations and anxiety I move towards creation, solidarity, acceptance and trust. I will explore these more in my next post.

What about you? What could you rest from doing?

Happy New Year. May this be a year in which your soul finds more rest.